Relationships!

Hello and welcome back! Let's talk ‘Relationships’ today.

While some people are passionately dedicated to the single life, human nature and evolutionary biology crave an intimate relationship. Yet sustaining those relationships is not easy.

The Cycle Of Failed Relationships- The Cycle Of Drama

Do you enter a relationship thinking, “It’s ok even if it doesn’t last forever”? I am guessing the answer for most of you will be NO.

We always hope for the best, hope that it will go somewhere to fruition and yet time and again, sooner or later, we find ourselves at crossroads where we get muddled as to why we even liked the person in the first place or when did it all go so downhill?

It is always easier to indulge in blame-game when things go south in a relationship because frankly speaking, we are all good at pointing fingers especially when we are annoyed and tired of going through the whole cycle of finding someone, sharing secrets, falling in love, creating a life together and then eventually reaching a point where everything falls apart. Sometimes, though, even after several wholehearted & genuine attempts, if we are unable to preserve our equation with our SO then an obvious answer is to change the way we operate. Like Einstein said,

“Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the very definition of insanity”.

While reading a very insightful book, which I recommend everyone should read at least once, ‘A fistful of wisdom’ by Om Swami, I came across the concept of Karpman's Drama Triangle.

In an emotionally draining relation where one of the two is a constant giver/provider s/he identifies with a Rescuer- the stance of the rescuer is “Let me help you!. When the troubled situation cools down the rescuer feels exploited, abused, neglected and then identifies with Victim feeling “poor me!” Victims see themselves as oppressed, powerless, helpless, hopeless, dejected, and ashamed, and come across as “super-sensitive,”. The third and the last stage of this cycle is of the Persecutor- the stance of the persecutor is “It’s all your fault!” Persecutors criticize and blame the victim (here, self).

Once a rescuer, now a persecutor, goes out seeking another rescuer and this is how the cycle continues.

The concept of 'PERFECT' love driven by society's over-hyped & unnatural portrayal of romance

Love, for most of us, is teaching by movies. Our first understanding of love comes from those cute, mushy, romantic words from the mouth of our favourite actors. The rosy picture portrayed by this fictional world creates an illusion of perfect romance in our minds and our expectations are piqued by these illusions. Be it movies or hopeless romantic novels, we are sold love gestures so grandeur that it defies every law of the land and of human emotions. The reality, my friends, is far away from all of this. Love is never perfect. NEVER. It’s a combination of imperfect emotions from two people for each other. Where you dwell into experiencing both happiness and sorrow- together. So, if you walk down that road thinking love is a bed of roses, then you are doomed to experience a path of thorns and broken glass. Love is not summer vacation, it is the heavy Bombay rain.

Your partner is not a project stop fixing!

Consciously or subconsciously we are all aware of our own flaws. But like you already know, it is difficult to accept it. Some of us tend to choose someone who needs ‘fixing’ as their partner. This might come out as a little harsh but fixing a flaw in their SO makes them feel superior. Instead of healing ourselves from previous wounds and heartbreaks or getting rid of our baggage, we lend too much of a helping hand to the other person which might cause the relationship to become just about the past. Dwelling into the past is equally, if not more, toxic than dwelling in the future. You two are just fine. Grow together, help each other rather than criticising your partner into changing as per your liking.

Why do relationships fail?

“The Four Horsemen”, a theory that outlines the four signs that indicate a relationship apocalypse is on the horizon:

Criticism | Contempt | Defensiveness | Stonewalling

Do you feel trust is a core value in your relationship?

Trust is the glue to hold companionship and intimacy together. Yet it is also one of the hardest things to earn and keep. Trust issues run the gamut from past decisions to emotional dependability. Often, there is an underlying issue that was never fully discussed and resolved. Over time, these unresolved issues pile up affecting your day to day relationship, casting a cloud of suspicion and doubt over even the most mundane situations.

Cheating is not okay! Loyalty is a virtue, not a choice!

While trust can break down in many facets of a relationship, suspected or confirmed infidelity can be the hardest to overcome. From emotional affairs to physical indulgences, infidelity tends to destroy nearly half of the relationships. Being falsely accused too can feel like a fervent personal attack, destroying trust and intimacy. It is absolutely necessary to avoid making accusations without proof, and talk out any fears or doubts you have in a nonthreatening and open way. Confrontation is not bad, but the judgement is.

Communication is key

Many couples struggle with communication, often claiming that they speak different languages (Read 5 Languages Of Love). The two of you might talk for hours but look closely do you communicate? Do you speak to solve and hear to understand or it is a mere exchange of words? If you stop communicating actively, over time, you will begin to feel isolated and lonely and might seek emotional intimacy elsewhere. This is how one person falls 'out-of-love'. Lack of communication can also lead to contempt, or the tendency for every meaningful conversation to devolve into sarcasm and argument rather than healthy resolution. Communication should be meaningful and not like pouring water on a round earthen pot.

Check for balance

Imbalance occurs when one or both partners fail to prioritize the relationship, instead of placing unusual importance on other people or other situations. When it becomes a problem, though, is when one partner begins to feel consistently taken for granted, unheard, or devalued. Even when you are coping with issues outside your relationship, be sure to check in frequently with your partner and let him or her call some of the shots.

The concept of magnetism is redundant in love

Opposites attract- true! but it is extremely tough to keep a relationship of opposites together. Let that sink in. The rush we experience with a partner who is completely different from us is short-termed. It is like a cocaine high. Basic compatibility on things such as family values, religious inclination, and worldview is essential for a comfortable, long-term relationship. If you are radically different, respect and compromise are absolutely critical. Everything from where to eat to what to eat could be a sticking point for couples without basic compatibility. You might experience rush but never will get that sense of calmness if you lack compatibility.

Abusive behaviour is a nada nada

Direct abuse should never be tolerated in any relationship, but rage, disrespect, and emotional stonewalling and consistent demotivation may not be relationship-ending in and of themselves, but continuing patterns can wear people down. An inability or unwillingness to respect your partner’s thoughts, beliefs, and feelings can destroy your relations even before you know it. It can render our relationship hollow as termites do to wood. It is only a matter of time when one of the two decides to get up and walk away.

A clashing of expectations and understanding impermanence

One of the most common reasons for an emotional breakdown is clashing of expectations.

Somewhere along the line, the two of you came to expect different things of each other and couldn’t keep up the game. This isn’t a good thing or a bad thing, it just is, and it’s something that happens naturally over time. Something that we normally call 'growing apart'.

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are."- Donald Miller. We change, and as we change the things we want from life and the people around us changes too. The key to happiness is realizing this, and that everything is impermanent.

The truth is that the person of our affection was not put on this planet to meet our own personal needs or to view the world and love and life the way we do; they have needs, dreams, and a purpose on this earth of their own.

Learn from your past relationships to make the one you are in now work

As painful and heart wrecking as breakups can be, they always make for great learning experiences. For instance, if your ex cheated and you decided to give them a chance and they did it again, you may learn that infidelity is something you will never tolerate. The lessons you learn from failed relationships can range from the small to completely life-changing. "Failed relationships don’t just teach you what you don’t want, they show you that you are capable of so much more," Ponaman says. "They are a direct reflection of your potential to have more, have better (connections), and to feel fulfilled in ways you never thought possible.”

“The amount of happiness that you have depends on the amount of freedom you have in your heart.” Thich Nhat Hanh

Let go of regrets

When a relationship ends, it’s enticing to lodge on what went wrong from both sides or what you could have done differently to save the apocalypse. This might seem productive at the time—like you can somehow change things by revisiting them differently. You can’t. All dwelling does is cause you to suffer. So let go.

Don't be too harsh on yourself

You might think you made the biggest mistake of your life by falling in love with the wrong person and letting yourself go all in. You enter a chain of self-loathing thoughts that if only you didn’t do it, you wouldn’t be in suffering right now. Don’t go down that road—there’s nothing good down there! Instead, keep reminding yourself that you are human. And to err is human. Forgive yourself. Fill your heart with love and accept that you are allowed to make mistakes and that you have the power to correct them.

Don't think you wasted your time on someone

You never can, my friend. How about valuing all the experiences you had with your ex, all the places you went, all the learning (good and bad) that relationship gave you? If you looked at that unhealthy relationship or the time spent as time lost, you’d underestimate all the amazing things you did in that time. When you focus on the positive, it’s easier to move on because you’ll feel empowered and not victimized (by your ex, by yourself, or by time.) Be grateful instead, because gratitude is the quickest antidote of negativity.

Remember the rain with the rainbow

Brain scientists suggest nearly 20% of us suffer from “complicated grief,” a persistent sense of longing for someone we lost with romanticized memories of the relationship. As a result, we tend to remember everything with daydream- a fantasy, as if it was all sunshine and roses. If you recently broke up, it may be even more tempting to imagine she or he was perfect and you weren’t. In all actuality, you both have strengths and weaknesses and you both made mistakes.

Reconnect with who you are outside a relationship

Unless you hop from relationship to relationship, odds are, you lived a fulfilling single life before you got into this one. You were strong, satisfied, and happy, at least on the whole. You had time for yourself and high self-esteem. Remember that person now. The strong, happy, passionate person you were. The bright aura you carried. That person will get you through any loss and pain.

If you can’t remember who you are, get to know yourself now. What do you love about life?

Allow yourself the freedom to feel

Losing a relationship can feel like a mini-death, complete with a grieving process. Failures of relations where your SO was the sun to your solar system and your world revolved around them, can make you go through a feeling of worthlessness, of shallowness. Feels like losing a part of your own self.

First, you’re shocked and in denial. Next, you feel hurt and guilty. Then, you feel angry and maybe even start bargaining. Then you might feel depressed and lonely as it hits you how much you’ve lost. Eventually, you start accepting what happened and shift your focus from the past to the future. You have to go through the feelings as they come, but you can help yourself get through them faster.

Keep a check for fearful thoughts

When you’re holding onto a relationship, it’s usually more about attachment than love. Remember the tighter you hold a rope, the deeper the wound will be. In the holding onto phase one is likely to experience negativity towards oneself. Some examples include: I’ll never feel loved again. I’ll always feel lonely. I am completely powerless. I will never trust anyone. Replace those thoughts with: THIS TOO SHALL PASS! I can’t always control what happens to me, but I can control how I respond to it.

No relationship ever truly fails

Witnessing the end of any relationship from a broader perspective suggests that rather than remaining consumed by feelings of wrongdoing, we can adapt a more compassionate and nourishing outlook on life and into the densely hidden meaning and purpose of the relationships.

Once we shift our outlook towards positivity, we begin to see things for what they are, and as we do, nascent and raw, free of illusion. We come to realize that-

no relationship is a failed relationship.

In life and love, we make choices that are aligned with our thinking and feelings at any given moment. If it works out, great! If it doesn't, maybe something better is meant to come along. Trust in the working of the universe.

"Trust that you will always come to the solution"

Everything we go through provides an opportunity for us to evolve, grow, become more whole and balanced humans.

It is a misconception to think that wholeness is synonymous with happiness, agreeability, and harmony; it encompasses these things, but it is not defined by these things.

Wholeness from a broader perspective holds space for all of our experience, and it continues to hold space for the individual journey of the person to whom we are no longer in committed union with. (https://psiloveyou.xyz/no-relationship-is-a-failed-relationship-b801e427951e)

A relationship never leaves us because it never belonged to us.

It is not even correct, divinely speaking, to say that a relationship ends or fails; the energy of it simply transforms. Wrongdoing and perceived failure melt away as the soil is fertilized for new life to begin.

Instead of arguing with the ending of a once beautiful manifestation of love, we can choose to view each relationship as some perfectly imperfect dance between two humans trying their best to navigate this human experience. Within this space, the love never dies and we come to see that there is purpose and meaning even in staying apart.

If you liked it, please share your experience with me.

Share with those who might need it, those with a bleeding heart.

See you soon. ❤️